How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
