New low: just hacked my moms facebook
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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