You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
jump out the window naked night went bad
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