so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He shit in the fireplace
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
