I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
