I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
