she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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