I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
