Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
