I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Randomize
