I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize