I faked an abortion last night.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So much rum. So many feels.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize