He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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