she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
