im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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