I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
