well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
