When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
