I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
