I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I am available for nakedness
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
