nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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