so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
