I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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