dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
