The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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