yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
