Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
