If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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