I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
