I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
That accounts for only three of the penises
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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