I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
