You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
