Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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