my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
