I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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