remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
