Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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