what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
