I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
