yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
