a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
