god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
