half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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