who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
