I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
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