I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
