she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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