Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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