i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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