Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize