Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
