the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
soo... how was my night?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize