i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
