I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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