i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
