Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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