I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
