My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
