if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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