you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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