just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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