So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
