Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
