tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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