i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he was CRYING into my vagina
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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