just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
