I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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