when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
no, he came in my armpit
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
