ugly people sure do ruin things
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
