Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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