Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
