the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize