Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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