Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
