At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
