thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
