I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
