Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
